Breaking Free from People-Pleasing

Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” when you wanted to say “no”? Maybe a co-worker asks for help on a project when your own deadlines are looming, or a friend invites you to an event you’re too tired to attend. You say yes because you don’t want to disappoint them, but inside, you feel drained and conflicted. Or bending over backward to make someone happy, only to be left feeling drained and unappreciated? People-pleasing can feel like a never-ending cycle of striving for approval, only to find that no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough. It’s exhausting, disheartening, and ultimately unfulfilling. But there is hope. When we shift our focus from pleasing people to pleasing God, we can break free from this trap and find true peace and purpose.

The Root of People-Pleasing: My Personal Struggle

For years, I tried to please my mother, though I came to realize it was impossible. But it wasn’t just her. I was striving for personal validation. Deep down, I hoped that one day she would see that I was a good person, hardworking, loving, patient. My hope was that I could change my mother’s perspective, and she would see that I had value and that she was proud of me. I never heard those words from her: “Son, I am proud of you.” But that need for validation seeped into every part of my life. I sought approval from my high school girlfriends (not that there were many), my first wife, my bosses, and even my friends. Most of my relationships revolved around me trying to prove I was good enough, that I mattered. That was my motivation.

Even though I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was six, I didn’t understand that I should be pleasing God, not people. It wasn’t until I met Wendy that I began to see things differently. She helped me shift my perspective, encouraging me to measure myself not by cultural standards but by God’s standards.

I wish I could say I had an ah-ha moment that changed everything, but it wasn’t like that. It was a slow process, one that is still ongoing. I still fight the impulse to seek validation. I’m better today than I was earlier in life, and I know that pleasing God is my ultimate purpose. But it’s a fight. Some days, I still hear my mother’s voice whispering, “You’re not good enough for her.” It’s a daily battle, but I win more days than I lose.

The Trap of People-Pleasing

People-pleasing often stems from fear—fear of rejection, fear of judgment, or fear of failure. Proverbs 29:25 warns us: “Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety” (NLT). When we base our worth on the approval of others, we place ourselves in a never-ending cycle of anxiety and dissatisfaction.

This trap isn’t just emotional; it’s spiritual. Seeking the approval of people distracts us from our higher calling to please God. Galatians 1:10 reminds us: “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant” (NLT). Pleasing people can feel like servitude, but pleasing God brings freedom.

The Emotional Cost of People-Pleasing

People-pleasing doesn’t come without a cost. It often leaves us:

• Exhausted: Constantly saying “yes” to others drains our energy and leaves little for what truly matters.
• Resentful: Over time, doing things out of obligation, rather than joy, can build resentment toward others.
• Disconnected: Focusing on others’ expectations can distance us from our authentic selves and from God.
• Unfulfilled: No matter how hard we try, people-pleasing rarely delivers the validation or satisfaction we’re seeking.

Rick Warren puts it this way: “Living for the approval of others keeps you from living for the purposes of God.” When we’re consumed by people’s opinions, we can’t fully embrace God’s plan for our lives.

God’s Call to Please Him, Not People

Breaking free from people-pleasing begins with recognizing the emotional and spiritual toll it takes, and then shifting our focus to God’s approval. Colossians 3:23 tells us: “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people” (NLT). When we work and live for God, our motivation changes. Instead of seeking fleeting validation from others, we find lasting purpose in serving Him.

Charles Spurgeon once said, “We are not meant to please men, but to please God, whose commands we obey and whose expectations we fulfill.” When we live to please God, we find freedom from the impossible task of meeting everyone else’s expectations.

But how do we know whether we are pleasing God or simply trying to please people? The key lies in examining our motives. Ask yourself: Are you doing this out of love and obedience to God, or are you seeking approval, recognition, or acceptance from others? Actions motivated by love for others align with God’s will, while actions driven by fear of rejection or desire for validation often lead to the trap of people-pleasing. Breaking free from people-pleasing begins with a shift in focus. Colossians 3:23 tells us: “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people” (NLT). When we work and live for God, our motivation changes. Instead of seeking fleeting validation from others, we find lasting purpose in serving Him.

Charles Spurgeon once said, “We are not meant to please men, but to please God, whose commands we obey and whose expectations we fulfill.” When we live to please God, we find freedom from the impossible task of meeting everyone else’s expectations.

Practical Steps to Break Free from People-Pleasing

1. Reflect on Your Motives: Take time to ask yourself why you’re seeking someone’s approval. Are you trying to fill a void that only God can fill? Are your actions motivated by love for them or by fear of rejection? To evaluate your motives, ask yourself questions like: Am I doing this because it honors God? Does this action align with my values? Will this genuinely help the other person, or am I seeking their approval?
2. Seek God’s Approval: Spend time in prayer and scripture, asking God to reveal His will for your life. Focus on what pleases Him, not others.
3. Learn to Say “No”: Setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s an act of faith. As Brené Brown says, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
4. Surround Yourself with Encouragers: Seek relationships with people who uplift you and point you back to God.
5. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection: Remember, breaking free from people-pleasing is a journey. Celebrate each step toward living for God’s approval.
6. Reflect on Your Motives: Take time to ask yourself why you’re seeking someone’s approval. Are you trying to fill a void that only God can fill?
7. Seek God’s Approval: Spend time in prayer and scripture, asking God to reveal His will for your life. Focus on what pleases Him, not others.
8. Learn to Say “No”: Setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s an act of faith. As Brené Brown says, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
9. Surround Yourself with Encouragers: Seek relationships with people who uplift you and point you back to God.
10. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection: Remember, breaking free from people-pleasing is a journey. Celebrate each step toward living for God’s approval.

Invitation to Rest in God’s Grace

Mother Teresa said: “If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish motives; be kind anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight; build anyway.” Her words remind us that our actions should be rooted in faithfulness to God, not dependent on the opinions of others.

God invites us to rest in His grace. When we live for Him, we find peace that surpasses all understanding. Take a moment today to reflect on areas of your life where you’ve been striving for approval from others. Ask God to help you shift your focus to Him, and challenge yourself to take one specific step toward breaking free from people-pleasing. He doesn’t ask for perfection—just a heart committed to His will.

Links to Other Parts of This Series

• Part 1: Breaking the Chains of Inadequacy
• Part 2: God’s Love Isn’t Earned
• Part 3: When Success Isn’t Enough
• Poem: Breaking the Chains of Inadequacy
• Poem: The Lies We Believe
• Poem: The Gift of Grace
• Poem: The Illusion of Worth

Call to Action

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