Faithful in a Broken Family
We talk a lot about the biblical family here at Disciple Blueprint. I believe God created the family, designed it with a purpose and gave us instructions in His Word for how it should function.
At the same time, if we’re going to talk honestly about strengthening families, we need to talk about the families that actually exist.
Some children are growing up with a mom and dad who are married, love each other and are committed to raising their children together. Many aren’t. Some children are born to parents who never marry. Others spend their childhood moving between Mom’s house and Dad’s house, or are being raised by grandparents because their parents aren’t able to care for them.
There are single mothers and single fathers doing their best to carry responsibilities they never expected to carry alone. Blended families are trying to figure out how all the pieces fit together. Some children know who their father is but rarely see him. In other homes, both parents are physically present but spend more time looking at their phones than talking to the people sitting in the same room.
Then there are the family problems that aren’t obvious from the outside. Adult children haven’t spoken to their parents in years. Brothers and sisters no longer have relationships with each other. Marriages look fine at church on Sunday morning but are barely holding together at home.
That’s not the family as God designed it, but it is the world in which we’re trying to follow Jesus.
So instead of asking how we can create the perfect Christian family, perhaps we need to ask a more realistic question:
How do I faithfully follow God in the family I actually have?
Thankfully, Scripture doesn’t avoid that question.
The Bible Doesn’t Hide Dysfunctional Families
If you’ve ever thought your family was too messed up for God to work in it, spend some time reading Genesis. You probably won’t have to read very long before your relatives start looking a little better.
Cain murdered his brother Abel. Abraham and Sarah decided to help God fulfill His promise by involving Hagar, creating painful consequences for everyone involved. Isaac and Rebekah each had a favorite son.
Then we get to Jacob’s family.
Jacob had children with four different women, and there was already jealousy and competition within the family before his sons were grown. To make matters worse, Jacob openly favored Joseph.
Genesis tells us:
“Now Israel loved Joseph more than his other sons because Joseph was a son born to him in his old age, and he made a long-sleeved robe for him.” — Genesis 37:3 (CSB)
His brothers noticed.
“When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him and could not bring themselves to speak peaceably to him.” — Genesis 37:4 (CSB)
Joseph’s dreams about his brothers bowing down to him didn’t improve the situation. Eventually their jealousy and hatred became so intense that they considered killing him. Instead, they threw him into a pit, sold him into slavery and took his bloodied robe home so their father would believe his favorite son was dead.
This wasn’t a healthy family that suddenly encountered a difficult season. The problems had been building for years.
Yet this was the family God was using to build the nation of Israel.
That doesn’t mean God approved of their behavior. Scripture shows us the painful consequences of favoritism, jealousy, deception and hatred rather than excusing them. God’s design for the family still mattered.
What Joseph’s story shows us is something different: God didn’t stop working simply because this family was broken.
Joseph Didn’t Get to Choose His Starting Point
None of us chooses the family we’re born into.
Joseph didn’t choose his father’s favoritism or his brothers’ jealousy. He certainly didn’t choose to be thrown into a pit and sold into slavery.
The child whose father disappears doesn’t choose that either. Neither does the teenager moving between two homes after a divorce or the child being raised by grandparents because Mom and Dad aren’t able to do it.
Our starting points are handed to us.
Eventually, however, we have to decide how we’re going to live from there.
After being sold into slavery, Joseph ended up in the home of Potiphar, an Egyptian official. When Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce him, Joseph refused. He understood that even though he couldn’t control what had happened to him, he was still responsible for how he lived before God.
His faithfulness didn’t immediately make life easier. Potiphar’s wife falsely accused him, and Joseph ended up in prison for something he hadn’t done.
Even there, God continued working.
Eventually Joseph was brought before Pharaoh, interpreted Pharaoh’s dreams and was elevated to a position of enormous authority in Egypt. Years later, when famine struck the region, Joseph’s brothers came to Egypt looking for food.
The family that had caused him so much pain was suddenly standing in front of him.
By then Joseph had power they never imagined he would have, which meant he also had a choice about what he would do with it.
What Actually Depends on Me?
Family problems are especially difficult because we desperately want to fix people we love.
Parents want to fix children. Husbands and wives want to fix each other. Adult children sometimes spend years trying to change their parents.
The problem is that we can’t control another person’s heart.
Paul gives us a remarkably practical instruction in Romans 12:18:
“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” — Romans 12:18 (CSB)
Those words “as far as it depends on you” are important.
There are things in a broken relationship that depend on me, and there are things that don’t.
- I can choose how I speak to someone.
- I can apologize when I’ve been wrong and forgive when I’ve been hurt.
- I can pray for someone, keep the door open for reconciliation when that’s appropriate and try to respond in a way that honors Christ.
What I can’t do is control how the other person responds.
- I can’t make my adult child follow Jesus.
- I can’t force an estranged family member to reconcile with me.
- I can’t make someone forgive me, and I certainly can’t go back and rewrite what happened twenty years ago.
Sometimes we carry enormous guilt because we’re taking responsibility for things God never placed within our control.
Romans 12:18 gives us a better question than, “How do I fix my family?”
What actually depends on me?
What If I’m Part of the Problem?
Of course, there’s another possibility we need to consider.
Sometimes part of the problem does depend on me.
It’s easy to tell a family story in a way that makes us the reasonable person surrounded by difficult people. Family relationships usually aren’t quite that simple.
Maybe there are things you genuinely regret. Perhaps you weren’t there when your children needed you, or your anger affected your family more than you realized. You may have made decisions years ago that hurt someone you love.
Scripture doesn’t ask us to pretend those things didn’t happen, nor does it tell us to spend the rest of our lives punishing ourselves for them.
First John 1:9 says:
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” — 1 John 1:9 (CSB)
When we’ve sinned, we begin by being honest with God.
Sometimes faithfulness also means being honest with the person we’ve hurt. There may be a conversation that begins with, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”
That’s a hard conversation, particularly when the mistake happened years ago. But notice what we’re doing. We’re taking responsibility for the part that depends on us.
What the other person does afterward is something we have to entrust to God.
Joseph Didn’t Pretend It Didn’t Hurt
Eventually Joseph revealed himself to his brothers, and the family was reunited. Years later, after their father died, Joseph’s brothers became frightened that he had simply been waiting for Jacob’s death before taking revenge.
They came to Joseph asking for forgiveness.
His response is one of the most familiar statements in Genesis:
“Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You planned evil against me; God planned it for good to bring about the present result—the survival of many people.” — Genesis 50:19–20 (CSB)
There’s something important in the way Joseph describes what happened.
- He doesn’t pretend it wasn’t serious.
- He doesn’t tell his brothers that everything was fine or that selling him into slavery really wasn’t that big of a deal.
- He calls what they did evil.
Biblical forgiveness doesn’t require us to rewrite the past or pretend we weren’t hurt.
At the same time, Joseph had come to understand that what his brothers did to him had never removed him from God’s sovereign hand. Their actions changed the course of Joseph’s life, but they couldn’t prevent God from working through it.
That’s important when we’re thinking about our own families.
Not every broken relationship will eventually be restored the way Joseph’s was. Some people will never apologize. Trust may take years to rebuild, and there may be situations where appropriate boundaries remain necessary.
But another person’s choices do not prevent you from faithfully following God.
Start With the Family You Actually Have
This is where I think we sometimes unintentionally discourage people in the church.
We describe God’s design for the family—and we should. God’s design matters.
But if that’s all we talk about, the single mother sitting in the pew may wonder what she’s supposed to do now. So might the divorced father, the grandparents raising grandchildren or the woman whose husband wants nothing to do with church.
The answer isn’t to pretend God’s design doesn’t matter.
It’s to begin faithfully from where you are.
- If you’re raising children alone, point them toward Jesus from the home you have.
- If you’re part of a blended family, work at establishing godly patterns in the relationships God has given you.
- If your spouse doesn’t follow Christ, continue following Him faithfully yourself.
- If you’re raising grandchildren, recognize that God may have placed you in their lives for exactly this season.
- If your adult children have made decisions that break your heart, keep loving them, praying for them and trusting God with the parts you cannot control.
Your family situation may change what faithfulness looks like.
It doesn’t make faithfulness impossible.
And thankfully, God never intended us to do it alone.
God Gave Us Another Family Too
When I think about my own childhood, I’m reminded of how important this is.
My immediate family wasn’t providing much spiritual direction, but God kept putting Christians in my path.
Someone at Vacation Bible School told a six-year-old boy about Jesus. Sunday School teachers taught me God’s Word. A church bus came into my neighborhood and gave me a way to attend when nobody in my family was taking me. Later, a church sent me to camp after I won a Scripture memorization contest.
My family had gaps, and the church helped fill some of them.
Paul describes the church as a body whose members are connected to one another:
“So if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.” — 1 Corinthians 12:26 (CSB)
Think about what that means for the families around us today.
A single mother shouldn’t have to wonder where her son will ever see godly men. A child whose father isn’t present can have Sunday School teachers, youth leaders, pastors and other Christian men who know his name and care about the person he’s becoming.
Grandparents unexpectedly raising grandchildren can find people willing to help carry the load. A struggling couple can learn from an older Christian couple who has already walked through difficult seasons.
The church doesn’t replace God’s design for the family. But when families have gaps, the church ought to be one of the places where people find help carrying the load.
That’s not only something we should receive from the church.
It’s something we should be willing to provide for someone else.
Faithful in the Family You Have
Maybe your family doesn’t look anything like you once imagined it would.
Perhaps some of that is because of decisions other people made. Maybe some of it came from choices you wish you could make again.
Joseph knew what it was like to live in a family shaped by other people’s sin, and he also learned something over the course of his life that we need to remember.
God was still working.
That doesn’t mean everything will eventually turn out exactly the way we want. Joseph’s story isn’t a promise that every estranged relationship will be restored or every child will eventually make the decisions we’ve prayed for.
It does remind us that we can faithfully follow God from wherever we’re starting today.
So ask the question Paul gives us in Romans 12:18: What depends on me?
Do that faithfully, and trust God with what doesn’t.
Then look beyond your own family. There may be someone sitting a few rows away at church whose family has a gap God could use you to help fill.
Because God gave us families, but He never intended those families to follow Him alone.
He gave us each other.
And that’s where we’re going next.
Keep Going With the Start at Home Series
This post is part of our Start at Home series, where we’re looking at what Scripture says about changing a broken society by starting with the responsibilities God has already placed in front of us—our own lives, our families and, next, our churches.
If you’ve missed any of the previous posts, you can find the entire series in one place:
Listen to the Companion Podcasts
We also continue these conversations on the Disciple Blueprint Podcast, with companion episodes that dig deeper into the biblical and practical issues covered in each post.
You can listen on most popular podcast platforms or find all of our episodes here:
Listen to the Disciple Blueprint Podcast
Free Resources to Help You Grow
If you’re looking for practical tools to help you grow in your relationship with Christ, we have a growing collection of Bible studies, devotionals and other Christian resources available completely free.
Join the Disciple Blueprint Newsletter
Want to keep up with the latest articles, podcast episodes, Bible studies and free resources? Join the Disciple Blueprint newsletter and we’ll send the newest content directly to your inbox.
Follow Disciple Blueprint
Stay connected with Disciple Blueprint throughout the week for biblical encouragement, practical discipleship, new podcast episodes and additional resources.
Facebook: facebook.com/discipleblueprint
YouTube: youtube.com/@discipleblueprint
Pinterest: pinterest.com/discipleblueprint
If this post encouraged you, consider sharing it with someone whose family doesn’t look the way they once hoped it would. Sometimes people simply need to be reminded that God can still work in the family they actually have.
