Fear of Being Alone – Marriage, Loss, and Desperation

I didn’t marry the wrong person because I was in love… I married the wrong person because I was terrified by the fear of being alone.

That fear didn’t come out of nowhere. It was seeded early—by a mother I could never please and a girl who didn’t just say “no,” she lied. That first rejection wasn’t a clean cut—it was a wound that festered. She told me she couldn’t go out with me after the football game, but there she was, sitting at Pizza Hut with her friends when I showed up. That wasn’t just a “no”—it was a neon sign blinking “you’re not even worth the truth.”

That moment messed with me more than I’d like to admit. I started asking myself, “What kind of person am I, that someone needs to lie to avoid spending time with me?” From then on, I treated rejection like a given, and connection like a myth. I had some dates in high school, but it was always with girls who were friends—safe choices. Even when I had feelings for someone, I kept those buried deep. I once had a friend I truly liked, but I never had the nerve to ask her out. Why would I? That old lie still echoed in my head.

It’s wild how one wound, unhealed, can hijack decades of your life.

A teenage boy stands outside a pizza restaurant looking at a girl inside who previously rejected him. — The sting of rejection—etched into a memory at a Pizza Hut booth.

Fear of Being Alone Leads to Bad Decisions

By 20, I had convinced myself I had no shot at real love. No one had to tell me I was worthless—my mom had already done that for years. That girl at Pizza Hut just put a bow on it.

Eventually, it took tequila to ask my first wife out. That’s not romantic or cute. That’s desperation disguised as boldness. I knew—on the day I was getting married—that it was a mistake. But the fear of being alone was so loud, I was willing to risk lifelong misery just to have someone.

We got pregnant on our wedding night. Nine months later, our son was born. Nine months after that, she was gone—with another man—and I was left holding a diaper bag, a bottle, and the crushing reality that I was truly alone. Abandoned again—but now with a baby.

A man kneeling alone in prayer, reading an open Bible in a quiet, dimly lit room. — In the stillness of solitude, he finds comfort in God’s Word.

From Rock Bottom to Rock of Ages

With no father, no partner, and now a son depending on me, I had nowhere to turn but up. And that’s when God met me.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” – Psalm 34:18 (NLT)

That was me. A crushed spirit. But God was there. He helped me raise my son. He helped me heal. But I still wasn’t whole.

I was still searching in the wrong places—bars, strip clubs, anywhere I could pretend, for even a minute, that I wasn’t alone. But those moments were like chewing on cardboard—empty and dry.

By the summer of 1990, I hit another turning point. I decided that if God was all I had, then God was enough. I would live for Him, even if I stayed alone the rest of my life.

A wedding ceremony in a church featuring a bride and groom with their young children as maid of honor and best man. — A heartwarming church wedding where love joins not just two hearts, but two families—featuring the groom’s son as best man and the bride’s daughter as maid of honor.

God Was Waiting

One week after my 30th birthday, God showed me what happens when you give Him the pen. I met Wendy.

No tequila needed. The shame and worthlessness I once carried were gone. I felt truly seen.

And on November 29, 1991, at Metropolitan Bible Church, in front of God and everyone who mattered, Wendy said, “I do.” For the next 33 years, I wasn’t alone. Wendy was the answer to a thousand desperate prayers. Her love made up for so much pain.

Then came April 2, 2024. God called Wendy home. And suddenly, I felt the cold breath of abandonment again.

But This Time Was Different

This time, I wasn’t standing on shaky legs. I was grounded on the promises of God.

“For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.’” – Hebrews 13:5 (NLT)

This time, I wasn’t running to the bottle or the club—I was running to the cross.

The winters in Pennsylvania are long, and this last one was brutal—not just in temperature but in grief. But in that stillness, God reminded me that Jesus knows what it’s like to be abandoned. And unlike every other human relationship in my life, He stayed.

An older bald man sits on a tree stump beside a pond, sharing a quiet moment with Jesus seated on a stump next to him. — Even in silence, He sits with you.

The Invitation: Don’t Face Loneliness Alone

If you’re reading this and you’ve felt that same ache—that same soul-level abandonment—I want you to know something:

You don’t have to carry it alone.

At the age of 6, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior during Vacation Bible School. I didn’t understand everything back then—but I knew I needed forgiveness, and I knew Jesus loved me enough to die for me.

Here’s the truth that changed my life:

You have to realize you’re a sinner in need of forgiveness.
You have to believe that Christ lived a perfect life, died on the cross for your sins, and rose again on the third day.
And you have to be willing to proclaim Christ as your Lord and Savior.

That’s where healing begins. That’s where abandonment ends—because once you’re His, He never lets go.

A solitary man with a backpack walks down a deserted, dusty road at sunset, surrounded by barren terrain and distant mountains. — Walking the Long Road Alone

If You’ve Felt Alone…

…then you know the ache I’m talking about. But you also now know the way out.

Jesus isn’t afraid of your pain. He’s already carried it. He was rejected, abandoned, and crucified. He knows. And He stays.

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🔗 Read the introduction to this series: When You Feel Alone: A Journey of Loneliness and the Cross

🔗 Missed Part 1? Alone on the Cross: When Even God Feels Far Away

🔗 Missed Part 2? Fatherless: Learning to Trust a God You Can’t See