Too Many Women: Not Enough Peace: A Friday Roast of King Solomon

⚠️ Warning: This post is heavy on sarcasm, light on solemnity. If you’re looking for deep theological insight, check back Monday. Today, we’re taking a humorous (and hopefully helpful) look at Solomon’s midlife meltdown.

Cartoon of King Solomon hiding behind a pillar as three concubines argue loudly in a palace setting. — Solomon had wisdom… but not enough to avoid Concubine Chaos.

Solomon’s Midlife Crisis: A Royal Rant

Let’s be honest. If you read the book of Ecclesiastes without knowing who wrote it, you’d assume it was the journal of a sleep-deprived philosophy major working the night shift at Waffle House.

“Everything is meaningless,” Solomon wails. “Completely meaningless!”

— Ecclesiastes 1:2 (NLT)

Wow, Solomon. Way to bring the mood down.

This is the same guy who once wrote the Song of Songs—aka the steamy Old Testament poetry that made every teenage boy pretend to be extra spiritual during Bible study. But somewhere between writing romantic verses and counting his gold coins, Solomon took a hard left into existential dread.

Let’s dive into this royal meltdown, shall we?

A parody Yelp review from King Solomon, giving life a one-star rating with the quote “Would not recommend. Everything is meaningless.” — King Solomon’s brutally honest Yelp review of life: “1 star. Would not recommend.”

“So I Came to Hate Life…”

That’s a direct quote.

“So I came to hate life because everything done here under the sun is so troubling. Everything is meaningless—like chasing the wind.”

— Ecclesiastes 2:17 (NLT)

Hating life is a bold statement from a guy who lived in a palace, ate five-star meals, had peacocks in the garden, and whose wine cellar was probably bigger than most villages. But sure—tell us more about how you’re suffering, Your Majesty.

Cartoon of King Solomon looking overwhelmed as a large group of women stands on one side and a small group of soldiers on the other. — When your harem outnumbers your army… and therapy wasn’t invented yet.

The Man Who Had It All… And Still Whined

Solomon had wisdom, power, wealth, fame, and more horses than a Kentucky derby—yet he still hated life.

“What do people get in this life for all their hard work and anxiety?”

— Ecclesiastes 2:22 (NLT)

Bro, YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A 9 TO 5.

Cartoon of a burned-out King Solomon slumped at a desk with scrolls labeled “Proverbs,” “Ecclesiastes,” and “Therapist Referrals,” saying “What next?” — The Proverbial Burnout: Even wisdom needs a break sometimes.

Bitter Much?

Now we get to the real juice. Solomon goes full scorched-earth on women in Chapter 7.

“I discovered that a seductive woman is a trap more bitter than death. Her passion is a snare, and her soft hands are chains.”

— Ecclesiastes 7:26 (NLT)

Okay, now it’s starting to sound less like divine wisdom and more like the diary of a man whose 300th concubine rolled her eyes at him during breakfast.

You can practically hear Solomon shouting from his ivory tower, “It’s not ME, it’s THEM!”

Cartoon of King Solomon tossing his crown in frustration, saying “I just wanted a quiet life and some alone time.” — When even wisdom isn’t enough… and introvert energy kicks in.

Math Problem: What Happens When You Marry 700 Women?

You get Ecclesiastes.

Seriously, if you had 700 wives and 300 concubines constantly rearranging your palace curtains, fighting over closet space, and asking, “Do these robes make me look fat?”—you’d write a book about how life is meaningless too.

This wasn’t depression. This was decision fatigue.

Solomon didn’t need more gold or wisdom. He needed a nap and some alone time.

Cartoon of a weary King Solomon with his crown falling off and the phrase “WHAT HAVE I DONE?” in a speech bubble. — 700 Wives Later… and Solomon finally starts asking the right questions.

Real Talk Before We End This Roast…

All jokes aside, Solomon’s story shows us something important: You can have everything this world offers and still feel empty if you drift away from the One who gives life meaning.

By the end of Ecclesiastes, he sobers up and gives us this mic-drop moment:

“That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty.”

— Ecclesiastes 12:13 (NLT)

So yes, Solomon was wise. And rich. And overwhelmed by estrogen.

But he eventually got it right. Real peace doesn’t come from palaces, parties, or 1,000 partners. It comes from God.

Cartoon of a cheerful King Solomon holding a wine glass with a speech bubble that says, “This article is satirical in nature. No one should take it (very) seriously.” — A friendly royal reminder: Don’t take ancient sarcasm too seriously.

⚠️ Warning: This post is heavy on sarcasm, light on solemnity. If you’re looking for deep theological insight, check back Monday. Today, we’re taking a humorous (and hopefully helpful) look at Solomon’s midlife meltdown.

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🎉 Happy Friday! May your life be less complicated than Solomon’s, and may your peace come from something deeper than avoiding 700 in-laws.

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